The Photograph

I think about my Mom all the time.

It probably doesn't help that I keep her Memorial Service brochure by my nightstand. And that Emma loves to play with it, and I have to fight with her to keep it "tear-free".

I know this is just a natural part of grief, and it's exasperated by my double-hormone pregnancy. It's not that I feel guilt, or that I that I "long for things to be how they were". It's just this disconnect I feel knowing that she's gone.

In my apartments (even in L.A.), I always had a "Wall of Fame" of sorts that had all my most favorite photos of my loved ones. It was a great way for me to overcome some loneliness and homesickness when I moved to Frankfurt, too. I swap some photos out sometimes, but mostly keep my favorites up there because they lift my spirits when I look at them.

Lately I've been staring at a particular photo. It has a picture of my mom, and a picture of my dad. The interesting thing is, you can see that they took the picture of each other, probably while sitting opposite each other and passing the camera back & forth. I don't know why I love it so much, but I do. As far as I can tell, it's from when they first started dating, or around the time they were married. They both look so happy...and in love. I'm sure that's one of the reasons I love it so much. I haven't seen my parents happy like that since I was probably 10 years old. I mostly remember the bitterness between then, and the loneliness they felt apart. I don't even think that in my Mom's death my Dad will be able to let go of his anger & bitterness towards her. It breaks my heart.

The photograph reminds me of this beautiful poem, in my absolute favorite book of poetry. I have post its holding the places of my favorite ones, I even have some letters from Christian & my mom in there. Oddly enough, the book is entitled: "The People Who Didn't Say Goodbye", by Merrit Malloy.

I also keep this book by my nightstand, and often read from it.

There is a poem in the book that matches perfectly to this photograph.

THE DAY HE TOOK THIS PICTURE

The day he took this picture

he loved me

And I don't know how to show you

what I mean ... Except to say

that I don't look like this

anymore

This is how I used to look

when he loved

me

Guten Nacht, Sweet Emma!

I must say, the transition from crib to "big girl bed" was much easier than I thought. We tried removing one of the sides of her crib in preparation for this transition about a month ago. That was a failure. She would fall out of the bed, and we would end up finding her sleeping on the floor. We put the side back on and decided to postpone the transfer until now.

We're currently in the last leg of this pregnancy, so we HAD TO make the transition from crib to bed because we will be needing her crib sooner than later. We will be keeping the twins together in one crib for the first month or so, so it was imperative that we transitioned her in this time.

We got her bed on Friday, and Papa had it put together so she could "sleep" when she came home from pre-school. She loved it, and immediately climbed in and pulled the covers up over her and said, "Guten Nacht, Mama!". She invites all her "animal friends" to join her for her slumber parties and even "cooks" with her pots & pans from her play kitchen. At first I thought she would only think it's another "toy", but she did great the first night when we put her in there. The second night she did (either) fall out or get out around midnight, but Christian scouped her up and was able to put her back into bed for the remainder of the night. We thought for sure she would jump out of bed and start knocking on the door or yell, "Tuer auf!" (open the door!) when left alone, but my little 20 month old has yet again surprised me at how capable she is with new challenges.

She's cried a few times when we've put her down and she doesn't want to go to sleep yet...but has never left the bed. Yahoo!!

We were lucky with her & sleep from the beginning. She slept through the night (8 hours) starting at 5 weeks. We co-slept with her until she was about 2 months, at which point we moved her to the crib in her room and her sleep only improved. Then at 3 months when they put the body brace on her for the hip dysplasia we moved her crib into our room so she could sleep with us since we were worried she would roll over in her sleep while wearing the brace. Her sleep only improved with time, and by about 5 months she was easily sleeping 12 hours straight! I felt really blessed because we never had any help with her, and no family to "give us a break" for even an hour... the amount of time she slept (read: rest time she gave US) really enabled us to get ready for another day of our Energizer Bunny.

So, without further adieu, here is my baby in her new "big girl bed", and her animals, and her bedding that Mama handmade for her! What a doll, right??

MOM's (Mom's of Multiples) are Freaks of Nature

The Twins aren't even here and I have already had so many strange comments about them, that when my friend Helen sent me this video link I saw clearly my future - and the fact that the comments aren't over.

The following is an actual conversation I had with one of my college-educated co-workers at school:

Them: Oh, it's twins? Do you know what you're having?

Me: A boy and a girl.

Them: Are they identical?

Me: Did you not hear my previous answer?

Them: It's so scary to have twins, how will you do it?

Me: I don't know, I just will.

Them: I'm glad it's not me.

Me: Me, too.

Homemade Deliciousness

Perhaps one of the biggest adjustments since moving to Germany, has been the loss of some of my everyday products that were only a store (practically ANY store) away from me. Here, I sometimes have to go to 3 different stores to purchase things that I could've gotten under all one roof back in L.A. It's mega frustrating - as you can imagine!

An example of some of these products: Vanilla Extract, Brown Sugar, Food Coloring, Flavored Coffee Creamer. Are you noticing a pattern?? Mostly they are cooking products. I have my problems finding non-food products too, but the majority of my frustration is based in these types of items.

So imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon this lovely gem of information on the interwebz on a website I frequent often: Tasty Kitchen. It's a massive collection of "Homemade Ingredients".

Things like, "How to make your own Vanilla Extract", who knew it was made like that?? And "How to make your own Coffee Creamer" in this flavor, and this flavor...YUM!

So although I can't just pop over to Ralph's, or Trader Joe's, or Target to make these quick, and convenient purchases. I can now at least head to my kitchen (which is much closer than the aforementioned stores!) and whip up some of my own concoctions! LOVES IT!

Of course, I have also been lucky enough to have lovely friends who have sent me care packages of these beloved items that I am truly jonesing for...so to you, a big VIELEN DANK!!

Home Safely

Happy New Year Everyone!

We made it home safely from our holiday. Emma was a total superstar in the car, only cried a few minutes, and otherwise enjoyed Biene Maya (Maya the Bee) on her ipod, read her books, and just slept! She is still a little sick, but behaved herself like a Champ! The snow let up and we enjoyed an ice free driving experience with little traffic. So it really was only 7 hours, instead of the 9 we thought it would be! Yippee!

She loved playing with her cousin, Carl Jacob. I thought for sure this 5 year old, single child would reject his 20 month old cousin totally...but alas, he played legos with her, he sang with her, and of course wanted to watch her Biene Maya episodes with her. He would get so upset when she would move the ipod out of his sightline...it was really funny! They even got to build a Gingerbread house together - minus the candies Emma ate along the way!

Christmas was nice, even if it was celebrated on Christmas Eve. I never understood that about Europe. They have what they call First Christmas, and Second Christmas (for Christmas Eve & Day), but you don't really do anything on the "Second Christmas" because all the presents were opened the night before. I mean, yes you hang out with family n' stuff.....but it shouldn't be called a "Second Christmas" unless something Christmasy is happening! Oh well. We had a nice time. Drank champagne (not me), ate Antelope Steaks (me!), and sang songs (yes, me!). We had a 10 foot Christmas tree which was probably 8 feet wide as well, it was gorgeous! Emma did great about not touching the presents; but those sparkling, little balls dangling precariously from the tree didn't stand a chance from my little devil!

Emma loved playing with the Lego Duplos, she was quite the architect! Here she is in her "tired" pose. She sucks her thumb and tugs on her ear whenever she gets tired. Pokerface!

Here she is back at home with her present from Mama and Papa, a Spielkueche! (Play kitchen)

She loves it, and offers us up "brot" (bread), and tells us "Sit down, Papa/Mama!". She is quite the bossy little girl, I must say!! She made us move her little eating table from the dining room into her room next to the kitchen so she can serve food directly onto it.

Anyways, we had a lovely Christmas and a VERY quiet New Years Eve. Christian was sick and in bed at 9:45. I stayed up and watched the fireworks show from my front window. Fireworks are totally legal here and people buy bucketloads and shoot them off from the streets, corners, and rooftops! The only place it's illegal to shoot them off from is in the Forest. The next morning you see the aftermath of the BILLION dollar firework industry that exists here within the European Union. Neither Christian nor Emma awoke from the noise - unbelievable!

Work starts back today, and I truly feel these days are getting more and more difficult. My belly is growing fast, and I am in a constant state of being boxed from the inside! Emma was very active in the womb, and her siblings are fighting hard for the top spot in that category. Although I have only gained 6.5 lbs, I am ALL BELLY! I'll post a photo soon so you can all have a nice, little chuckle!