The Photograph

I think about my Mom all the time.

It probably doesn't help that I keep her Memorial Service brochure by my nightstand. And that Emma loves to play with it, and I have to fight with her to keep it "tear-free".

I know this is just a natural part of grief, and it's exasperated by my double-hormone pregnancy. It's not that I feel guilt, or that I that I "long for things to be how they were". It's just this disconnect I feel knowing that she's gone.

In my apartments (even in L.A.), I always had a "Wall of Fame" of sorts that had all my most favorite photos of my loved ones. It was a great way for me to overcome some loneliness and homesickness when I moved to Frankfurt, too. I swap some photos out sometimes, but mostly keep my favorites up there because they lift my spirits when I look at them.

Lately I've been staring at a particular photo. It has a picture of my mom, and a picture of my dad. The interesting thing is, you can see that they took the picture of each other, probably while sitting opposite each other and passing the camera back & forth. I don't know why I love it so much, but I do. As far as I can tell, it's from when they first started dating, or around the time they were married. They both look so happy...and in love. I'm sure that's one of the reasons I love it so much. I haven't seen my parents happy like that since I was probably 10 years old. I mostly remember the bitterness between then, and the loneliness they felt apart. I don't even think that in my Mom's death my Dad will be able to let go of his anger & bitterness towards her. It breaks my heart.

The photograph reminds me of this beautiful poem, in my absolute favorite book of poetry. I have post its holding the places of my favorite ones, I even have some letters from Christian & my mom in there. Oddly enough, the book is entitled: "The People Who Didn't Say Goodbye", by Merrit Malloy.

I also keep this book by my nightstand, and often read from it.

There is a poem in the book that matches perfectly to this photograph.

THE DAY HE TOOK THIS PICTURE

The day he took this picture

he loved me

And I don't know how to show you

what I mean ... Except to say

that I don't look like this

anymore

This is how I used to look

when he loved

me